My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
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Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.