What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
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GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
What’s a Messi?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
*anna quietly knocks on elsa’s door after olaf falls asleep* do you wanna kill a snowman?
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Relationship status:
My neighbour/girlfriend was kidnapped but she’s ok now, I was caught.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper