devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
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I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
time for some seasonal decor
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know