*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
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Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Got him!
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
The door to door bible people just skipped my house! See, all it takes is trying to kiss the guy and he wont be back (until 3am)
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Before you feel flattered that I have a crush on you, please remember that I’ve spent the last hour and a half fantasizing about a sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit.
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
scared to check what name she chose
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.