Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
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You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
I was up all night reading about insomnia
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?