I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Answers phone, makes modem noises…