My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
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Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.
Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
HIM: the first rule of fight club is never talk about fight club
ME: but we’re talking about it now
HIM: I mean like to your friends
ME: were not friends?
HIM: I mean kinda but-
ME: *crying* this hurts worse than getting punched
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison