Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
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the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Seas the day!!!!
Something Saturday.
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Watermelon Boss!