If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
You Might Also Like
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Note to self: I am a note
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
Baking is just science you can eat.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*