starting a cleaning service for people with ADHD. I won’t be doing any of the actual cleaning, I’ll just be calling you at random times to tell you I’m on my way to your house and I’ll be there in about 45 minutes
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So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
cop: sir it looks as if you were the victim of organ theft
me (in an icy bath): oh no…she took my yamaha?
cop:
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road