*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
Me: I ate all the chips.
Wife: What!? For the boys’ lunches!? Well, at least we still have cheeze its.
Me: You’re not going to believe this
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.