People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
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No, he would not have.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?