dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
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My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra