In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
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I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Me in tagged photos
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.