Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
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If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
Are you actually cleaning the house if you haven’t shouted at everyone in it?
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me *naked, singing into a shower head*
Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic
The “it’s ok to use ‘disability’ as an insult as long as you’re not using it to insult a person with a physical handicap” logic. #facepalm
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.