constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one
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[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
What if all the cashiers are married?
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
My daughter saw my mascara brand was called better than sex and asked what that meant so I said it meant better than secretaries cause they write and holy shit pray for me she doesn’t google it.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.
It’s not a “junk drawer,” it’s a free-spirited drawer without expectations or limits.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car