Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
I thought this was funny lol
Ariel was a minor and couldn’t sign a legally binding contract. You’d think the king of the ocean’s lawyers could get that shit thrown out.
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
Toddler: ring ring *hands me a banana*
Me: ew just let it go to voice mail.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.