TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
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Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
[bug school]
TEACHER: okay class, who knows the first 2 letters of the alphabet
A BEE: *proudly raises hand*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.