Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
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This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
time machine? you mean a clock?
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Man about to invent sparkling water: Water is so good but I wish that it tasted terrible and made me feel sick.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.