I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
A man messaged me on insta and said “you are not looking bad.” This might be the one, y’all
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
There are no pants in heaven.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Missed Connection:
I was on the train. You were running for the train. Our eyes met. You reached out to me as the doors were closing, but the train pulled away. Please contact me. I have your left hand.
Good morning!