He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
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I’m like Princess Peach in the way that I’m useless in a dress.
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
No point crayon over spilled milk.
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me-
Me: [takes all of my laundry out of the dryer without dropping any of it on the floor]
Shania Twain: oh shit wow
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
j o i m p
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut