take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
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Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
Tried on a pair of skinny jeans and I looked like a full cereal bag that you’re trying to force back inside the box.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s