Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
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A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill
A lambslide
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
When customers come in 6 hours before closing
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
[ninja warrior]
HOST: First up we have… Oh-
ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.