“If you don’t let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you.”
Liam Neeson returns in…
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER’S PISSED
(Summer 2015)
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A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
I’m happier now that I’ve changed from coffee to orange juice in the mornings.
My doctor explained it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I really think it’s the vodka.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.