What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
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STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
One day I will peel open the plastic film on a yogurt container and not get sprayed in the face with yogurt juice. Today is not that day.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”