I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
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“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*