If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike
[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]
PATIENT: *Opens one eye*
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.