I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
You Might Also Like
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.
Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.