Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.
Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.