CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
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ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
£900 pound for an iPhone 6?
Airplane mode better take me on holiday
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day