ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
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Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Cannibals are so full of themselves and other people
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
I asked my doctor if I need to cancel my birthday party, but she said that’s only for events over 10 people.
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”