MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
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ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Meat Cute
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Her: You wanna Netflix and chill?
Me: I don’t have Netflix
Her: It means sex
Me: Oh right no I don’t have that either
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Walks you into the bedroom.
Stands you up straight against the wall.
*you notice the sign that says “You must be this tall to ride this guy”
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.