[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
You Might Also Like
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Point of etiquette: When attending a chainsaw massacre, don’t spend the entire time chainsawing one person. Get out there and mangle.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
With this onion ring, I thee fed
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Battery falling down a hole
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever