My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
I can make six sentences with just the names of my two sons.
Chase will chase Will.
Will will chase Chase.
Will Chase chase Will?
Chase will.
Will Will chase Chase?
Will will.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I enjoy a good breeze. It’s worth the risk that a bug may be blown into your eye.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118