*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
I’m so used to sleeping on my right side that if I switch to my left, my insides feel like a room full of furniture trying to violently escape a haunted house.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
ME: want to see me do a head stand
BRAIN SURGEON: how the hell did you get in here
I really had high hopes for this year though