I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
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Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“People who make Latin jokes are a bunch of ani.”
The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob