jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
You Might Also Like
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Old people always be like “wow you’ve put on some weight since I last saw you” in front of everybody.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Extremely relatable.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
Ever since I found out cats don’t meow to other cats, that’s just some shit they learned to manipulate humans and moews are supposed to mimic infant human cries I’m noticing a lot of fake shit about my cat
peeping toms
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?