If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
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Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
My Sentiments Exactly
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard