If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
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I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
{At funeral}
*holding widows hand* I’m sorry for your loss. He had so much updog
“What’s updog?”
*pats her hand* Not much what’s up with you
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
My new rescue dog has figured out how to step on the pedal and open the trash can.
I don’t think my children ever learned that.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
Early in any job interview be sure to use the phrase “I always give 110%”, so you can quickly gauge their tolerance for working with idiots.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
I just saw a woman on here that had looking for a faithful man in her bio. Looks like you’ve come to the right place
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again