Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
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WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
It’s good to know that if I’m ever being interrogated, a mosquito bite on the back of my ankle is what would finally break me.
Spider-cat: No One Home
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I just tested negative for patience.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
it must be school picture day
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.