Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
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Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
the prophecy has been fulfilled
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose
Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger
YI:
Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.