In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
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Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
My friends just had a baby and they named him Frank. He’s 3 days old and he can fix a leaky tap.
friend: should i have kids?
me: my kids are currently outside barking back at the neighbors dog for 10 minutes now. 0 stars do not recommend.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
They left us in the waiting room so long at the orthodontist this morning my son formulated a plan for what he would do there in case of earthquakes, tornadoes, hurricanes, fire, kidnappers and zombies
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
I’m thinking about opening a plastic surgery center and calling it “Pick Your Nose”.
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
decorating my apartment
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Farmers are always so proud of themselves until you ask if they can put the milk back in the cow
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]