ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
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Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious