Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
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*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
kind of messed up that baby blue is a color
if your baby is blue ur doing a pretty bad job
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
A TV show where customers get to hear what employees said 10 seconds after they left the store.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put his water bottle in the Pringle holder on the treadmill.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
barbara was highly relatable
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent