So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
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Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet