“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
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Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I wore a leather jacket into a vegan restaurant and now I’m hiding in the bathroom.
Me: I miss the good old days
Wife: when we were young, alive, still full of hope?
M: no, when I had to use an ampersand to make a tweet fit
W: I despise you
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Child: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [tweezing grey hairs growing out of my ear]: There is literally no greater joy.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: You’ve already written no
Doctor: I just looked at you and made a guess
Me: well let me tell you, it was a good guess
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations