Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
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Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
the three genders
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes