In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
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day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
A friend asked for parenting advice, so I walked her through my favorite wrestling holds.
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
repaired
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Holy crap this is wonderful
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm