If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
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*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
If I got a Roomba it would take one look around, grab it’s things, and walk out the front door muttering something about impossible working conditions
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]