Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.
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[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
I think this cat is broken
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home